The Choice to be Real.

New Year's Resolutions. I don't have any. But instead I'm going to spend this year trying to be real and less of the person society dictates I should be.

I hope that no one ever reads my blog and comes away with some idealized version of what my life looks like. There are times I read blogs and am left with a huge sense of disappointment with who I am, what my spiritual life looks life, what my house looks like and what Pintrest projects I’m NOT completing. I am flawed with cracks that run deep and wide. So in an effort to be real, here are a few “real” things that I’m going to share with you today. 

We have a lot of debt from my student loans. I choose private schools for both undergrad and graduate degrees and spent a semester abroad in London. People will try and tell you that this type of debt is “good” debt (and I was once one of these people) but I’m going to be real with you and tell you this debt is what’s keeping me from staying-home with Lucan. Debt is debt. If you pour chocolate on it and cover it with sprinkles, it’s still debt. 

I’ve went through two bouts of lost jobs. Both times sucked. But I’ve learned major lessons each time. One: the company I was with at the time was a sinking ship. Better to get out before the thing went down like the Titanic in the Atlantic Ocean. Two: the department I was with was toxic and backhanded. It probably would have made me crazy. Three: I needed more time home with Lucan to enjoy being his mom. Four: God’s plan. Shut the door and start looking for that window. 

Third reveal. I don’t really need a Master’s Degree. It just helps me feel “smart” on the days when I’m really just an idiot pretending to be intelligent. An idiot with a lot of debt.

Next item. I’m kind of a crap driver. I blame a lot of my mishaps on a small garage and a large SUV, but truth be told I’m a bit careless, usually in a hurry and not wearing the glasses I had prescribed specifically for driving purposes.

I like reading. I like reading for entertainment purposes and not really hard books about theology and the crisis in Mozambique. What can I say – I’m a little superficial. But I subscribe to an email service called "The Skimm" that gives me an overview of what's going on in the world. It's helpful.

I haven’t had a regular workout routine since after Lucan was born. I take occasional Zumba and power yoga classes, but I dislike working out by myself and it’s really hard to do in the evenings. Excuses, excuses. 

We don’t eat fish. I know it’s good for you, but we don’t eat fish. I’m not gluten-free, vegetarian or particularly again corn syrup. I happen to have a particular affinity towards Swedish Fish if that counts for eating fish. 

I’m a little lonely. I’ve been blessed throughout my life with some really great girlfriends, but I’m at a point where I don’t have a reciprocal best friend that I connect with on a regular basis.

I like bad Top 40 radio music. Taylor Swift, “Cups” by Anna Kendrick, Katy Perry’s “Roar” – they all speak to my heart. 

My kitchen is ALWAYS a mess. The only time it isn’t a mess is when we have company coming over and Lance has stuffed everything away and then I can’t find anything for a good two months afterwards. Our beds are never made. I only dust when my parents are going to be in town. Potty training means there is more urine splashed in places I care to think about. 

I’ve lost my temper from time to time with Lucan and spanked him. Hard.

Last week I spazzed out on Lance when he built a massive tower of blocks for Lucan before bedtime and then I couldn’t get Lu to settle down again for bedtime. 

I usually do my Bible study during lunchtime the day of Bible study. If I’m feeling particularly “together” I do it the night before. 

I went to Gap yesterday to return a sweater and ended up buying a sweatshirt and a pair of shoes. Until I went to checkout and discovered I had no cash, no credit cards or checkbook. I had to put everything back. 

I do not have my life together and the occasional times where it looks like I do, it’s a façade. I hope that you realize I’m just doing my best to make it through life, just like the rest of you.  If you don’t believe me just check under the beds and in the closets.