How to take 2 hours to eat supper in 31 easy steps

I totally get why my friend Erika can eat her supper in 4 minutes flat. It’s because she has three kids and if she doesn’t eat fast, she’s not going to get to eat. Here are 31 easy steps to take two hours to eat supper:

1. Be a naturally a slow eater.
2. Have this weird food thing where you  refuse to eat anything until everything on my plate is exactly how you like it.
3. Have one child. Automatically tack on an extra 45 minutes.
4. Cut your child’s food into minuscule pieces otherwise your oldest child will try and take a bite the size of their face.
5. Blow on their food. It’s too hot.
6. Eat one bite of your own food. Retrieve sippy cup that was accidentally knocked off the table.
7. Try and convince your child that kale is delicious! Not poison.
8. Give your husband a dirty look when he mutters under his breath that kale actually is poison.
9. Have a second child. Tack on another 45 minutes.
10. Get your eldest more milk, a glass of water and juice. Because sometimes you’re really thirsty.
11. Realize that your food has gotten seriously cold.
12. Reheat it in the microwave for two minutes.
13. Start feeding your youngest the delicious homemade pear sauce you made for her. Watch her drool it out the side of her mouth.
14. Hand your eldest child a napkin as he’s spilled all over himself.
15. Oh! My food’s done reheating, retrieve it from the microwave.
16. Spoon another bite of pear sauce into your daughter’s mouth. Get excited when it appears like she’s actually eating and enjoying it!
17. Ack! Your own food is REALLY hot now. Must wait for it to cool.
18. Sigh when you realize she’s actually just chipmunking it in her cheeks to spit back at you in one momentous blow.
19. Get up to get your husband’s seconds on the soup. Because everyone eats soup year-round.  
20. Eat another bite of your own food now that it’s cooled down.
21. Slice up a pear for your eldest because if you start with fruit, he won’t eat anything else.
22. Force feed your daughter another bite of pears. Spoon the pear dribble back into her mouth.  
23. Your son has announced his need to use the restroom. Get up to move the stool so he can wash his hands.
24. Eat another bite of food.
25. Mom: 2 Daughter: 1. #winning
26. Eat another bite of food in relative quiet.
27. Realize that your son has been gone for a really long time … and go to investigate.  Stop him just in the nick of time from throwing copious amounts of toilet paper in the toilet.
28. The come to the realization that he has poop EVERYWHERE. Spray him off in the shower as damage control.
29. Finish his bath. Remember that his sister also needs a bath. Retrieve her and give both of them a bath.
30. PJs & lotion.
31. Finish eating your ice cold supper. But consider it a win as both kids are bathed and in pjs by 7:30 PM!